he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
