I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
