His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
