I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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