remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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