I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
