I am spending my child support on dildos
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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