I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
