You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize