I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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