I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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