This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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