half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
