I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
