mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
