is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
