The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
