He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
