Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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