All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
The air was thick with penises
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
