Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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