I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
