Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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