$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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