Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just cut my nipple shaving
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
