Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Randomize