just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
