i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
