I'm lost and stupid without you.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
