Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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