There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
