I met the friendliest cop last night
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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