Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Randomize
