Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
