Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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