Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
