i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
