How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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