I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
