walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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