saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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