New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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