I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
