college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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