my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
