you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
