the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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