I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize