btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
