He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
