wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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