You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize