I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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