Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
