I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Sext me about skeletons
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
