Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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