I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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