Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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