Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
