My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
