So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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