this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
