I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
