People in love make me want to vomit
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
So apparently I’m into choking now
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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