i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize