woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
