She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
