I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize