So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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